Disconnect vs Connect

Long ago, when I was a child, I was once thrown out of a birthday party for laughingly pointing out how a trick was being done. I think I was four or five years old and I took this exclusion as a sign that society did not want me to be a part of it. The obvious conclusion at the time was that I would just have to go it alone or just with my family.

Although I did have to play with those children again (they were the kids on the block and always around) I never again tried to connect with them in any real way. I had disconnected from my society.

Strangely enough, I was also excluded from being a Brownie (young version of Girl Scout) - I don't remember why they said I couldn't join, just remember being turned away at the door.

I did keep trying to get involved in community activities and did succeed in some respect as time went by, but I see now that some disconnect stayed with me. The reason I'm bringing this up is that it's becoming very clear that a lot of the messes in the world are caused by disconnecting. It's easy to deny global warming if you are disconnected from your environment. It's easy to ignore the plight of others if you do not consider them to be part of "your group".

There are all kinds of consequences to disconnecting. I won't go on about it, cause what I really want to say is that connecting is the better direction. Connecting is not "fitting in" - which is what I was trying to do for a while, until I realized that trying to be what someone else wanted or expected, was bogus. It was an uncomfortable facade and didn't make sense.

Connecting is actually engagement. Recognizing the existence of someone or something and being willing to interact. I have no problem with connecting with my family. There, connections are deep and lasting. But outside of my loved ones, there is still reticence. Still a sense of disconnect. So I'm trying to up my game on connecting. Taking small steps. Seeing each day what I encounter. Some days it seems that my purpose in life is to give tourists directions to MOMA. That's ok. Some days I talk to my plant. (It's still alive.) Really connecting in small ways is a step up. More of each day is conciously connected or engaged and it feels good.

Engagement vs Distraction

My husband and I had been talking about engagement recently.

So one day on my commute to work, I saw a woman who had a baby in a stroller. The baby was fussing and crying. The woman absently waved a rattle at the baby while talking to someone else. It struck me that instead of engaging with the baby to find out what the problem was, (hungry, wet, cold, lonely) she was just distracting the baby so that she could continue doing something else.

So then I was watching the news, and it struck me that in this time of economic crisis, there were a lot of people running off on tangents, criticizing, denying, fear-mongering, stoking fury. There were a few people actually trying to engage with the situation and focus on solutions, but most were just shaking the rattle so that they could do something else.

It got me thinking of why. Why distract, why deny, criticize, run off on emotional tangents? So I started looking at the moments when I distract, deny, etc., and here's what I see.

First, sometimes you just don't want to deal with it. You don't want to be there with the situation. For example, when there is a very smelly probably homeless person on the subway car that looks asleep, but you have to watch for a breath to be sure they are not dead. This is a situation that I do not feel capable of dealing with. I choose not to engage. Best I can do is inform the subway crew.

Second, sometimes you don't understand what is going on. For example, with the financial crisis, most people don't really have a clue about how the major financial institutions work. I know my knowledge is limited. When you see conditions in the country getting worse but don't really know how it happened, it's easy to just lash out in frustration. Well, it might be time for all of us to up our game on the financial situation. I'm thinking of getting some understanding going on. Personally, I've started reading a few books on economic themes. This is helping, but I'm just starting. It might be time to teach financial planning in school so that people don't fall for crazy schemes that they can't afford. In short, we all play the game of finance (even if it's just personal finance) and so we should learn the rules of the game. That's the first step to playing better.

Third, sometimes you are just cowardly. For example, I was recently at a party that had Karaoke going on. Although I love to sing, I wimped out and didn't try it. Wouldn't get out of my comfort zone. So maybe I should look for ways to step a little outside of my comfort zone.

Fourth, sometimes your intention falters because the job seems too big. It's overwhelming. For example, de-cluttering my house. There are hundreds of things I'd rather do than clean out those corners of clutter. Talk about distraction! If I find a way to get over this and engage with my house, I'll let you know. Haven't found it yet.

There are more and more reasons, but I'm not going to go further tonight. More tomorrow.